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Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thanksgiving Day vent

Let me give you a little background first:
  • I am adopted, but my parents told me from a young age. (That of course led to years and years of me feeling like I didn't belong, which I still feel)
  • I met my biological family at the age of 17, one sister I met when I was 13.
  • I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 6.
  • While I have 3 sisters and 1 brother, only one sister I grew up with (she's adopted from another family), 2 sisters are biological, and the brother is adopted into the family my older biological sister was adopted into. I consider him my brother though.
  • My parents divorced when I was 23 or 24.
My mother came to visit me, like she always does, on my birthday this year, and since this was the first time I'd been medicated properly, I was really excited to talk to her and tell her everything I'd been learning about ADHD and how it affected me and those around me.

Maybe I ought to also mention my mother and I do NOT get along. Reasons will be explained later.

She was very receptive (for once) about what I was saying, and I felt we were really understanding each other for once, and I began to feel more comfortable talking to her, which was a weird sensation. She was a counselor to trouble teenage girls when I was a child, so I always felt more like one of her clients that her daughter. This feeling made me leery as I'd grown up not being able to communicate (with anyone) and always feeling judged.

As the weekend progressed though, not only did her own personality quirks (which I believe to be clinical, not just that we don't get along) began to really get on my nerves- specifically the one where regardless of what I said, if it wasn't something she wanted to believe, she would turn passive aggressive and begin turning the blame on me for things I'd done decades ago. Honestly, how does an over-medicated 9 year old know they are causing mental agony if they (a) don't know what that is and (b) are so medicated they can't remember years of their lives? Not to mention, back then, ADHD was a disorder of diet, not a development disorder.

So, on my birthday (which I've learned is just going to suck from here on out, she keeps ruining it!), she decided to tell me that all those years when my lack of attention, my impulsivity, my ADHD had done irreparable damage to my little sister, her, and my father, I couldn't do anything more than stand there stunned.

Who holds a grudge for 22 years?! And for something that a 9 year old child can't help!?

She then proceeded to tell me that I was heartless because I didn't feel the need to apologize for my actions.


I was stunned, and I still am. I tried to explain to her that when I blind man accidentally pokes you in the eye while trying to 'see' your face, you don't demand an apology. He has a disability. You understand that and make an allowance for the fact that he can't see! I'm sure I used other examples but my adrenaline was running high and I don't remember what I said. I was being so open and honest with her, and while I was at my most vulnerable (ever, I might add), she decides to attack me and make me feel awful for something I can't help.

I don't need to explain how it feels when an NT (especially once who has had psychology training, worked in that field, and is a parent) tells us that we have screwed so many things up and that it's our fault.

No wonder I am so messed up about certain things!

She still asks me questions from time to time about my ADHD, and I'm considering sending her one of the books I purchased on it, but I am unsure if she'll actually read it and understand it. She's the type that if it doesn't fit into her view of how the world should be (which is VERY skewed in some overly-religious mindset), then it doesn't exist. Literally.

My sister, Blaire, is very protective of mom, and also quite b*tchy. I mean, seriously. I can't hardly talk to her without offending her, even if it's about the weather or our pets.

Yesterday, I put a status update up on facebook that said:
"Are we losers for not spending the holidays with family?"
"There are different types of family, you know."

It was a quote from a TV show I was watching at the time and I liked it. I've always felt that family isn't about blood (mine never was), nor about those who you call family (because I've never felt accepted in mine). It's about those you share a connection with and those who you care for and care for you in return- crazy days and all.

Obviously, Blaire took it offensively, like she does everything else I say, and I just let it drop. There's no point in ever trying to explain anything to her...

I am totally rambling here, aren't I? I apologize, but I am just so frustrated that after all these years of them KNOWING I had ADHD, even when very little was known about it, that they either pretend it doesn't exist that all the things I did or do because of it are things I can change and ought to be sorry for, or just treat me like I'm sub-human and stupid.

I'm sorry, but I do damn well for myself, better when medicated, yes, but I have done exceedingly well unmedicated as well. Granted, the environment I lived in growing up and the one I fostered in my household while I was in school was caustic and pretty bad, but it kept my symptoms under control... I'd hope they'd acknowledge the challenges I've overcome, not from comparing me to the rest of the world, just acknowledging me for me.

I'll stop now... I have to go get ready for a long Thanksgiving day with friends, dogs, and homework since I got all my cooking done early and refuse to sit and twiddle my thumbs for hours while the hostess and my friend cook the rest of the meal.

And if you've read all this... you rock. Sorry it got so long